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Buckwrote:
The best thing I got for Christmas was a lit-up "Bah-Humbug" sign that hung in the front window.
Jan. 9
Deborahwrote:
Oh yeah -- more than my eyeballs jiggled at that extra check....lol!
BTW - thanks for the ideas. I think Kev and I will take a lunch and bring little Eric to the airport to watch the planes Saturday, or one of our vacation days that we are not at the shore. He loves planes.
Hope you are still enjoying your summer, as well as the little bits of miracles surrounding you.
Deb
July 24
Deborahwrote:
Miss ya!
June 5
Jay .wrote:
 Wanted to wish you a Happy Valentines Day!
Feb. 13
Mellissa G.wrote:
 Sending an Angel to watch over you!
Nov. 26
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October 09 Professional NothingAngry again, so frustrated. But not like before. Not like the night I swallowed the pills. Don't worry about me. I may be lost, but my life will go on.
I wish I was something. I am a daughter, a mother, a wife, a friend. Everything but me. A lost sparrow, looking for safety before the upcoming storm. No, stupid analogy. There is no upcoming storm, no dragons to slay, no epic battles to fight. Just me, lost.
I burn inside with the need to create something lasting. Something that is just me, an expression of self. Painting eludes me, mixed-mashed colors on a cheap canvas. Sketching, pottery, sculpture. Not soothing to my soul. All that remains is words on paper, snippets of stories, sulky poems and depressing prose. Never complete, never published, never for anybody's eyes but mine. But it is all-encompassing.
Every moment is a phrase in my mind, a recollection of words, just words, torturing my soul until I find the right place to put them - a story not yet written, a poem with lines not yet formed. Literary pictures painted in snippets and phrases, but nothing to tie them together. What good is a beautiful scene with no world in which to reside? LostA wish made on a shooting star...
A dream left on a wrinkled pillow...
Goals let slip to the side and slowly forgotten...
Countless tears on an unwashed cheek...
A life remembered but never lived...
Where sits my soul now, in silent peace or still twisting in anguish from unresolved conflict? I cannot tell. I search my heart for answers but only find more questions. My mind swims, dizzy with possibility and regret.
I am lost. My recent past makes no sense, the manic flutterings of an unsettled mind. My future is blank, devoid of ideas, plans or goals. I am lost.
From where do I draw the strength to move ahead, to forge a new plan, to let free all those things I have suppressed for so long? From where do I draw the strength to become me?
Deep breath. Eyes closed. Silence. Just me for a moment. Flying, twisting towards the sky in ribbons of pink and red. Somewhere an answer, somewhere a future. Somewhere a promise.
Deep breath. Eyes open. Silence. Still me. A promise not forgotten, tears washed away, dreams remembered. A fire kindled, slowly starting to burn the night away. January 22 Praying for patienceEvery day as I get ready for bed, I have a sit-down chat with God. I don't kneel on the floor by the bed and fold my hands in prayer. I don't even always open my mouth to speak. Sometimes I just open my heart and share all my pain and all my gratitude and hope for the best. Lately, I have been using words to pray for inner peace, for guidance, and for patience. I can't imagine where this road I am walking takes me, but I know He does, and I keep asking for Him to keep showing me the way to go, and to give me the patience to walk when I want to run, run, run to see the end.
So here I am tonight, waiting again for morning, for tomorrow, for answers to questions left unanswered; waiting for others to do what they do so that I can do what I need to do; waiting for something to happen that will remind me to keep taking steps down this road. January 16 DecisionsSchool started again this week, and it really blew my mind. I am taking classes during the day, so I walked into classrooms full of 18 and 19 year old kids in their pajama pants and T-shirts, and by the end of the first day I fell apart. I have finally come to realize what everybody around me seemed to know a long time ago - I may never earn my bachelor degree.
This is not an easy realization for me. I have always thought I would eventually finish school and move on to other things. I would say that I am torn, but I think that the truth is that I have already made up my mind and am just waiting for my conscience to catch up. I have a baby and a teenager and a husband at home that want my attention. I have a job with crappy hours, but at least my paychecks don't bounce. I have a million business ideas waiting to be launched. I live in paradise and never get to take advantage of it. Money is really tight. And all of that adds up to me not going to school right now. Oh, I forgot the part about me being a basketcase. Usually my battle with depression is fairly well under control, but not right now. I am barely hanging on most days.
I don't take this decision lightly. I am well aware of the ramifications of letting go of this dream. Without a degree, I am stuck in a relatively thankless job unless a miracle happens. There is potential for me to move up a little bit in my current field, but not a lot, and nothing is guaranteed. Even if I go back to a corporate job, or graphic design job, my future is limited by not having a degree. Nobody who has paid $60000 for a degree for Savanna school of art and design would want to have to answer to me, with and AAS from the Art Institute of Houston. It just doesn't work that way. In no small way, that terrifies me.
But it also forces me to play my hand. Lucky for me, I have been blessed with a weird knack for thinking up things to do... or at least listening to what my friends and family think I should do and calling those ideas my own :) I want to launch my little newspaper. I am going to start out with the website, which is already launched, and follow up with a one sheet printed newsletter to start out, but who knows where it could go. I want to launch my little scrapbooking party company. It might not take off big, but how can I possibly go wrong doing something I love? I need to write. Somewhere in me are stories waiting to be told and articles to be written. An education never hurts, but isn't necessary for me to develop what I already have.
And maybe, in the future, I can finish my degree if I decide that I am truly ready. Unconventional classes might work out better for me. I seemed to do better when they were all online than I do when they are in person and I am the only old fart in a room of teenagers.
So, I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that I need some time to really enjoy my husband and kids and the world around me, and to try my hand at some things that I have been longing for a long time. January 04 New Year Resolutions and UpdatesSo here it is, January 4, 2009, a year that 10 years ago I would have sworn I would never see. How very weird it is.
Things have changed a lot since I last posted here. The storm I talked about in my poem missed us completely but devastated my parents' house. They are only just now finishing up the repairs and getting their lives back to normal. My sister is happy as a clam in her house, and is decorating it to suit her tastes. My other sister is gearing up for her final semester at Rice. My aunt has finished building her house and has moved in, and we celebrated both holidays this year at my uncle's house, which was a relief to me.
Littlest bit turns 2 next weekend, and she is a constant joy, and a constant test. As much as the older one was laid back and good natured this one is high strung and demanding. she is also very bright and very coordinated. The "terrible twos" will definitely be a challenge for the family. Big bit is still 13, every bit of 13. She has been diagnosed with anxiety/depression and ADD. That, of course, terrifies me. It hurt a lot to hear my baby girl tell the psychiatrist all those dark thoughts that had been running through her head, and the treatment for ADD worries me. I guess only time will tell if we do the right things for her. I keep praying for guidance though. Hubby is doing fine. He is his usual self, doing his same job, and being a good husband and daddy.
And now for me... where to begin? I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which sucks because there is no cure but is also a relief because my pain finally has a name. It seems as though knowing the name of the beast makes it easier to attack. I have also changed jobs yet again. I am working with troubled kids, which I thought was going to be my dream job. It turns out that it is a lot harder on me emotionally than I expected. I am also working the overnight shift, which is also difficult. Needless to say, I am still on the hunt for the perfect job. I also start my next semester at UTSA next week. I am really excited about some of the classes I am taking. I think it will be a lot of fun.
I have made my new year's resolution... just one. I think it is a biggie. For 2009, I resolve to find happiness in whatever comes my way; to quit always wishing for something different, or something better, or something more, and just be happy with the current state of me. I have spent entirely too much time kicking myself for things I have and haven't done, blaming missteps for my unhappiness and convincing myself that I am miserable. It is time to live in today and enjoy the living for what it is.
That is it. No deep insight, nothing too funny this time - just and update and a resolution. Happy new year! September 12 poetryToday was
Amazing
Flat bottomed clouds turned slowly in a cerulean sky.
And on the wings of a storm that will not come
and the breath of a fire we can't put out
The butterfiles came.
A million kings and queens dancing on my eyelashes
caught in my hair and perched on my arms.
Such sweet kisses,
Uncountable memories we cannot forget.
jj 09112008 August 15 Catching UpI can't believe it has been a whole month since I blogged! This is crazy! It is like time just keeps slipping by without even announcing it was here.
I had surgery again last week. No endometriosis this time, but an adhesion gluing my colon to the wall of the peritoneal cavity. At least it explains the pain. the sucky part is that it is exactly what they removed last time (except there was endo that time), which means that it keeps coming back. Woo. Joy. And no way to stop it for good. On the other hand, the doctor is ready for me to get pregnant again. I think he is just excited about catching babies when they pop out.
I alternate at work between being swamped and not having anything to do. Lex has been coming with me every day, and I will sure miss her when she starts back to school next week. Having her to talk to is the only thing that keeps me goin' some days. Some days this place really makes me crazy. I like the job ok, but it just takes so much time. I am gone 12 hours of every day just dealing with work, and the baby is too. It isn't easy for either of us.
I am supposed to start classes again in about two weeks. I am getting advised on Tuesday so I know what I am in for. It will be the first time in many years I have actually taken classes in person. It will probably be better for me that way. At least if I have to show my face, I have to do the work on time. That is the theory anyway.
Eh. I am gonna go back to working for now. A little melancholy, and I don't really feel like yapping. July 14 AfterglowAnother sweet summer weekend has come and passed, and I, burdened with the decision this afternoon to work diligently or post something here on the block, made the obvious choice. So here is the much delayed two-weekend recap.
Hubby and the kids and I did make it in to my parent's for the Fourth. We had a great time. We took off Thursday night at the crack of 10:30 pm, drove to my in-laws' and stayed one night there. The baby stayed for the weekend, and the rest of us went on to my parents' on Friday morning. We proceeded to lounge and swim and lounge and nap and eat and eat and eat. It was fantastic. My mom and I went fabric shopping and she made me a couple of skirts over the weekend. They are fabulous, and I hope she knows how much I really appreciate it. Saturday we went out to Green Acres and had a good time. Lex took one of her friends and they sat in the car and played on their Gameboys the whole time. I shot skeet... well, I shot at skeet. Mostly I missed skeet. Two of my good friends came out to visit with us, and it was great seeing them. Sunday we left to go pick up the baby, and for the first time since we moved away, I sort of missed living in Houston. I am pretty sure I just miss my friends and family, but it was a little weird anyway.
This weekend was good too. My littlest sister came up to visit and brought Lex back. She came and went garage saleing with me on Saturday and we enjoyed visiting. We lounged around teh house Saturday night, watched Superhero Movie (very cute, by the way). We had made plans to go to Schlitterbahn on Sunday but decided we had better use for $30 a person. We went to the movies instead and saw Journey to the Center of the Earth. It was absolutely silly, implausible, and unbelievable, but it was fun anyway. It would have been a real hoot to watch in in 3D, but small town USA doesn't have a 3D theater. We went to the Dry Comal Creek Vineyard for wine tasting - my first ever - which was great. It wasn't stuffy of pretentious, which I had expected it to be. We didn't take home any wine, but we did take home a 3 liter bottle of sangria. We let it thaw during the movie, then proceeded to consume the sangria. It was great :) My middle sister came and went to the movie with us and spent the evening hanging out too. I really enjoyed my sister bonding time.
I guess that is really it for now. I am feeling a little like a puppy in a sunbeam, reeling in the afterglow of a couple great weekends with my family. I have been pretty bummed lately about the whole financial/medical situation, and it was great to have a few really good days. I hope all of you are well and enjoying your summer! July 03 ParkingThank goodness this is a short week. I haven't felt like working all week, and at least the charade is almost over :) I was having a great day, and was being industrious, and when I went by parking services they told me they don't have me on a waiting list anywhere! AAAARRRRGGGGYHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I now have 3 supervisors looking into the situation. Right now, I have to park off campus and ride a shuttle. Not really a big deal, except I have a little over an hour commute. The bus only runs once every 30 minutes, so if I miss it by 30 seconds, I am late by a 45 minutes. And it adds about an hour to my daily commute, bringing it to an even 4 hours - 2 each way. I have been waiting for a spot for more than 3 months. The farthest out lots (about 3 or 4 blocks from my office) have a 4 6 month wait; everything closer is more like a year and a half. Thinking that I would have to start my wait over again really chaps my hide.
Eh, I was thinking that I would have lots to say, but I really don't. I am going to finish the BBQ sandwich they gave us today at the company picnic and lounge here in my chair until I can go home. So I can pack up, load hte dogs, and head to my in-laws'. Where Bobby will probably fall asleep and insist I drive the rest of the way to my parents'. Woot, or something. Hrmph. July 01 Bitch and MoanOK, so today isn't one of my better days. My girlie parts don't hurt, but everything else does. It feels like all the nerves under my skin are on fire. If I wasn't at work, I would strip down and walk around in my birthday suit just so nothing would touch me. And to top it all off, I had my annual this morning. Ick on top of ick.
That visit didn't go so well. I quit taking the birth control he gave me becuase of problems I won't share with you here (you are welcome, Dad), and that upset him. He says I didn't really give it a fair shake. So he wants to proceed with treating the endometriosis, and asked if I wanted any more kids. Well, of course I said that would be nice, and he starts pushing for a timeline. Well, I don't have a timeline, I just figured it would happen if it happened. I tried to explain all about the infertility treatment last time, and all the surgeries, and all the problems, but he just seemed overwhelmed. It was like he wasn't quite capable of comprehending that I could have more than one problem to deal with. He said he doesn't want to do a complete hysterectomy because I am only 31. He wants to do a laparoscopy for the endo (this would be my 4th) but then he said we would have to wait to be pregnant for at least 3 months. I was like, "I waited 3 years last time, what is 3 months if you can make it quit hurting?"
Whatever. Hubby and I are scheduled for a sit down with him in two weeks. I guess that means that hubby and I have to have a sit down with each other before then, and plan things out a little bit. The way I see it, you only get to have kids when you are absolutely financially and emotionally unprepared for it. So now is as good as ever, right? (just kidding)
As for the rest of life, I got paid again, so I am content for about two days, until the money is gone. And it does go quickly. Getting paid once a month really sucks. And they didn't charge me for my health insurance this month, so next month it will be double. That $700 is gonna hurt.
Well, back to work with me. I should really try to get something done today. At least this is a short week. I am really looking forward to going back to Houston to visit my family. Two of my very good friends are coming out to Green Acres on Saturday to visit. And I am going to try shooting skeet. Woot woot! Superwoman returns! June 30 Weekend recapMonday again, and time for the weekend recap. Friday night, despite my exhaustion, I found a burst of energy in the late hours. I cleaned the kitchen, finished up all the laundry, and scrapbooked for a couple of hours. Got frustrated becuse Kiddo #1 disappeared all my cutting tools the last time she used them, so gave up. Finally crashed at about 4 am. Saturday woke up to same kiddo bringing me a fresh cup of coffe she had made at the crack of 11:30. I never get to sleep in! it was great! Took hubby and the kiddos and went resale shopping. That was fun. Got my shopping bug satisfied and it only cost $40. Couldn't ask for more.
Sunday, we went to a local craft show, which turned out to be a jewelry show with a few tie-dyed shirts and handmade toys thrown in for good measure. I bought a couple kistchy rings, and Lex spent the rest of her birthday/report card money. Still a bargain experience. It was fun.
Spent a lot of time lounging in my Lazy Boy, watching movies. Here is the rundown:
Michael Clayton: Good, but only if you have the time and inclination to pay attention. Not particularly suspenseful, but confusing. All the guys kind of look the same, and it is dark the whole time. Eh. 2 1/2 chili peppers.
SemiPro: Ok, if you are into the typical Will Ferrell crap. Every now and then he surprises with a "Stranger than Fiction" type movie, but this was not one of those. Typical ball jokes, racial discomfort, etc. Lots of potty humor. Hubby laughed. I guess it is a guy thing. 1 1/2 Chili pepper.
Meet the Spartans: What a waste of perfectly good DVD. Ok, I laughed at the pit of death, especially when they threw in the American Idol judges. Paris's hump was not funny, nor the gay references, nor really any of the movie. No chili peppers for this one.
The Spiderwyck Chronicles: This was a good movie. It was pretty predictable, but it was good anyway. The goblins scared the crap out of baby, but she really got into it when they got their rears kicked. Probably not so good for the little ones, but great for tweens. 4 chili peppers.
So there you have it - the weekend recap and my unsolicited opinion on some of the new movies out on DVD. Well, newish. I don't get out much.
Tomorrow is the big day at the ob/gyn. Can't wait to hear what he has to say (this is me not smiling). I will let you know how it goes. June 27 TGIFI finally made it to Friday, thank God. I wasn't sure there for a while if I was gonna make it or not. I am so pooped. We leave every day at 6:30, get home at about 7:30 (yes, 13 hours, not 1). By the time we have dinner and pass out, I am down to about 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night. I do okay through about Wednesday, but by Friday I am sleeping waiting for the bus and drifting off in between mouse clicks. I sure hope nobody in my office notices! Lex and I are going to a craft show this weekend, and I think it should be a lot of fun. Hubby has to take defensive driving, so he can't go. She wants to have a booth in one of the local shows where she can sell her shell creatures and creations, and Hubby wants to sell some stuff we are making together. Maybe we can make enough extra cash that we don't have to get second jobs. That would be nice. I guess that is really it for today. I will hold off on my political tirades and comments on the morons in the news until Monday. Have a great weekend! June 25 Death PenaltyPlease excuse me my moment of fury.
The supreme court has ruled that in the case of a child's rape, the death penalty is unconstitutional, assuming the child is not killed. "'The death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child,' Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote for the court. He was joined by Justices John Paul Stevens, David H. Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen G. Breyer.
"The dissenters were Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. and Justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Samuel A. Alito Jr., generally regarded as the conservative wing of the tribunal."
This is not a conservative vs. liberal issue. This is a sanctity of childhood issue. I am well aware that the idea of an innocent childhood is a recent one. 100 years ago, even in our own country, children were treated much more like little adults, expected to work, to earn and to respect. And chances are that if you violated somebody's precious little one, you would as likely find yourself slipping under the surface of some body of water wearing a pair of concrete shoes as facing a judge.
It tears me up to think that somebody could do unspeakable things to my child, to rob her of innocence, self respect, dignity, pride and a sense of fairness and not have to pay the ultimate price. Mr. Kennedy is absolutely correct; the death penalty is in now proportional punishment for the rape of a child. Time under Chinese water torture, followed by some stretching on a rack, perhaps followed by death by gibbet, where they have to look up and watch that unwieldy blade fall to their own neck, only begins to be proportional. June 24 PCOS, Endo and the woman you loveIt has been a long time since I posted anything about PCOS, but I can't seem to get it off my mind lately. Probably it is because I am still stuck on the doctor who told me I couldn't have PCOS and endometriosis because one relies on estrogen and one counts on the lack of it. If you are like me, plagued with one of woman-hood's most misunderstood diagnoses or the other, or know somebody who is, please take a moment to educate yourself. Few things are as frustrating as trying to explain to somebody why this or that treatment won't work for you, why even birth control is no simple endeavor, why an otherwise healthy-ish 31 year old woman would consider a complete hysterectomy, to somebody who won't take a little time to understand. Of course, I might be making it a little personal because I am frustrated with my hubby... I asked him to go to the doctor with me on July 1, when (assuming he finally agrees that both problems are mine) I plan to discuss my entire reproductive future - and I assume his - and he said WHY? Please. Anyway, here is some info for you to arm yourself with. http://www.projectpcos.org/pcos_info/facts_sheet.php
poofOk, Ma, I can tell you now because my mysterious endeavor kind of went up in a ruffle of dust. Not even smoke, just a puff like a poor dried up dandelion. I really thought that I could resurrect some sort of local newspaper after my previous employer bit the big one, but it turns out I just can't do it. My partner in crime is a little more timid than I expected, and time moves too fast and yet too slowly. So I just have to let it go for now. One more dream pushed to the side, I suppose.
On the other hand, my job is going well. After the cost of gas and day care I sort of work for free, but at least this time it comes with health insurance. I do enjoy the job though. I like herding faculty, and keeping up with students and coursework that isn't my own, and even gossipping with the girls at lunch. My sister hooked my up with her employer too so I can go work there on the weekends, I think. Still sorting through in my brain what I think about that. We so desperately need the money, but I am already exhausted. What to do, what to do, huh? Any ideas? I sure would miss the kiddos. Maybe I could work at night when I am awake anyway, and my family sleeps. That might be ok. I just get tired of the constant state of overdraft, if you know what I mean.
I have so much to talk about, it just floods my poor little brain when I try to sort it through. I will have to check back in a little while and post some more.
-----------------------------------------------
Ok, so here is the next thing I want to gripe about. I have been having lots of girlie troubles. Nothing new, as most of you already know. The problem is that I am in a brand new city, with a brand new doctor. Upon hearing about my particular combination of troubles, he told me it wasn't possible to have both PCOS and Endometriosis. I almost slapped him. Who the hell is he to tell me what I can and can't have? And just to make sure that I wasn't the only freakazoid in the world, I checked around on the internet and it is pretty common, well common amongst those of us poor saps plagued with one or the other. So he put me on birth control which might work for one, but not the other and it just caused more trouble, jsut like the last time. I go see him again on July 1, and I really hope hubby will go with me. He might have to hold me back, although it is hard to pummel somebody wearing a paper apron and no bra. We shall see. I hope he has done some studying before he sees me again or I will have to find somebody else... and I really hate shopping for an ob/gyn. That isn't the type of doctor you really want to see more often than necessary.
Ok, be back later with more gripes. May 16 Herding FacultyTo any of you brainiacs out there, try not to be offended. I have taught courses to uninterested 12-year-olds for years, talked til I was blue in the face, and planned and worked on lots and lots of special events, but not a one of those experiences comes close to the difficulty involved in working with a group of highly educated faculty to plan a training workshop. There are so many "what-if" they keep throwing out there, from way out in left field - no, perhaps from the bleachers, that they can't seem to stay on target! I never really pictured being educated to be a drawback, but I think that when the number of advanced degrees in a room exceeds the number of occupants by more than 3, you are asking for trouble. Surely it will all work out. And if they ever figure out that they were being shepherded through the process by somebody who only holds a measley AAS from Art School, the gig will be up for good.
The "mysterious endeavor" Deb asked about in her last comment is still on hold. My cohort was not convinced that we could get stage one ready by Memorial Day, and she was probably right, so it is on hold. It is probably a good thing that I tend to be impetuous and she is hesitant. Perhaps she can slow me down enough and I can pull her along fast enough to get things done.
Job is great; I stay so busy I don't have time to floss my teeth. Or a million other things, for that matter. Don't ask.
My first annual ever Toob B Que hasn't gone down yet. I have it scheduled tentatively for August 1 - 3. I am really excited about it. I think it is going to be a fantastic tool for suckering in volunteers. Wait... that was my out loud voice again :) No, really, there are a million reasons for doing it that way, rather than the structured trips we usually do, so I am in high hopes that it will work the way I think it will. Keep your fingers and toes crossed.
My sister finally graduated. I am so proud of her I almost can't stand it. And she closed on her first house yesterday. All in all, a pretty good week, I would say.
No other real news here. Baby is growing, big kid is growing, hubby is growing, I am maintaining. It has been hot here, so now my shoes stink from my sweaty feet, but we had a cold front yesterday and today I am actually wearing a sweater. Unheard of in Texas in May. Whaddayaknow?
Have a fantastic weekend all! May 05 updateI am working on the flyers for my Toob-B-Que now, and I can't wait to see it happen. I have the dates set aside and everything, as well as a set of dates to take a troop that hasn't been anywhere but the San Marcos River down the Guadalupe. (Well, except the one girl who went and qualified for the Jr. Olympics. She is just Superwoman Jr. and I couldn't be prouder of her.) I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole thing should really be a blast.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch - or ranch-style sub-suburban masterpiece - I have something else up my sleeve. Our local newspaper went ker-put, so I have a plan... a little something on my agenda. You guys are gonna love it. I can't go into too much detail yet though because I haven't cemented anything. It is gonna be fantabulous.
I moved my little one into the day care across the street from my office today. I can't decide what I think. It looked so calm when I went in to visit last time (unannounced, of course). Today, there were a billion kids in the room, and it smelled awful. I was going to go and check on her at lunch, but I just didn't have time. l promised to give it a week though. Oh, and it didn't really make much of a difference in my commute time. I am going to try leaving by 6:15 Wednesday and see how that goes. The earlier I get here, the earlier I can get out of here.
Speaking of getting out of here, I have a meeting in a few short minutes that I have to prepare for. Later! April 30 A Free Spirit Toob-B-QuesMom,
You know, I thought I could just tell Deb to shove it and walk away, but I can't. I hope you weren't diappointed in me when you saw that email about the Toob-B-Que weekend. But you didn't see my husband's face when he got off the river that Sunday, and you didn't hear Alexis and Jaden cutting up even after they executed a class IV takeout on flat water. But you didn't have to, did you? Because you saw me jump into a swollen river and chase a girl floating away. And you saw me go back even after I came home with a bruise on my thigh and my ego - no a thigh that was a bruise and an ego... well, probably just an ego.
But I just can't let it go. I know what it felt like to take FOC as one among what felt like a billion, and how good it felt when the staff finally remembered my name because I did something good (as opposed to remembering me because I was a drama queen), and how awesome it was when we "got in" to Rendezvous because girls had to be turned away, and how good it felt that my mentor sold me her canoe.
But that isn't it. I give up on everything, you know. School got hard, so I gave up. I will finish, I hope, maybe before I retire, but for now, I gave up. I don't have the money to fix my mistakes, and I can't take it back. High school got hard with a baby in tow, so I gave up. I can't handle my money, so I give up. I couldn't figure out how to project profits for a scrapbooking business, so I just dropped it. I feel out of control, so I give up. I convince myself that I don't have the time or the patience, or the something, so I just let it go. I wanted to be a chemist, a phsycologist, a teacher, an advertising mogul, a home builder. I answer phones, order sandwiches and keep track of a calendar. I would like to say I am much more, but that is my job.
And that makes me really angry, because that isn't me. I am not a quitter. I don't just let things go. If I work at it, I can carry a grudge for years. These last few years, especially the last two, I feel like all the kite strings have slipped through my fingers. And I am really, for the most part out of ideas. I like my job just fine, but I have no idea how I let go that creative thing I needed in my life, and I don't know how to get it back. School has to wait until there is money. Art has to wait until the baby is big enough to not try to help.
But this, this canoe thing, is something I am good at. I am not a naturally good paddler; people with as much weight around the middle as I seldom are. I work really hard at it, and it works. I am good at getting people together, and recruiting, and advertising this thing. It rarely gets out to the public like I intended for a million different reasons, but I am still good at it. People seem to like me OK. They seem to care whether I show up or not. And by George, the kids love it. And that makes my soul smile.
And because there is a moment, one short moment that can almost drag on into eternity, when I lift my paddle out of the water behind me and close my eyes and listen. The boat moves forward, water drips from the blade back into the river, and there is nothing else.
And mostly because I really have to finish this on my terms, finish anything on my terms. I feel like I am watching a bunch of chickens (well, two anyway) dancing around in a rainstorm, staring up into the rain and drowning as they stand. The uncomfortable end is only a few short summers away, if it makes it that long, when Tari's girls graduate, and there is nobody else. Nobody else gives a flip one way or the other. Girls keep coming to FOC, but they never come back. Their adults come and they never come back. And I can see the other future so clearly, and I see how to make it happen.
So as much as I want to just tell her to bug off and walk away, I can't. I have the ability to make this good again, and to walk away from it later, in somebody else's hands.
Dave Ramsey says that in every relationship, there is a nerd and a free spirit. I have spent entirely too much time trying to mediate between the nerds and the nerds, and no free spirits have shown up to spice things up. I can't really think of a role that suits me better. Can you? March 18 The Job I Love/HateTime keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin into the future...
I can't believe just how quickly it goes. I keep thinking to myself that I will stop by here and update you all as soon as things calm down a little, but they just never do. Things just keep whirling and moving, and I can't seem to get this merry-go-round to stop. Part of that is probably the nature of working at a newspaper, part of it the nature of having kids, and part of it my nature. It seems I have always thrived amidst chaos, and only really fallen into trouble and despair when my life got a little too comfortable and routine.
So here it is. Another day. Another night I worked until midnight. Another day at the paper. I thought I would love it, and in many ways I do. It is exciting. It is fun to have people look at you like you are somebody special when you introduce yourself. It is fun to see my name in print. And I get a real kick out of the privelege to show up at events unticketed and unannounced, and to still be allowed through the door. Ok, so maybe that is a little bit wrong, but it is still a little bit of a thrill.
But I hate it too. My family hates that I am gone so much at night. And the stress of working for a company always on the edge of financial and social ruin gives me heartburn. My employers have no respect for me as a human. Not that it is me personally; they just don't have any respect for anybody but Number 1. I could spend hours detailing the depths of their disregard, but it would do nobody any good. I get to write for them because they have ticked off everybody else in town that might have done it - the same reason I get to do the page layouts. And the classified ads, and the business directory, and the horoscopes, and special feature sections and answer the phones and cut the business cards and do you get the picture? It is the greatest job I ever had. And the worst.
And, thankfully, it is almost over. Perhaps because they will end up shutting their doors, but really because I got another job. I will be working at another medical school in Orthodontics. The job is an administrative assistant, but it is a lot like my last job. I get to work to support a grant that promotes the spread of knowledge to the community, and I get to work with the students and the faculty. The professor I will work for directly is a dynamo. And I get my grill straightened. That was the deal clincher. Yeah buddy.
So that is where the career stands. Like me, forever on the brink of something new, on the edge of a change. So here I go again, never on my own, but with the loving support of my family.
And, just in case, I took out an ad in my paper this week :) I am advertising scrapbooking parties, and hopefully it will go somewhere. Of course, of somebody actually calls, I won't really know what to do with myself. I can't imagine somebody actually paying me to play with my scrapbooking stuff. How sweet could life get?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch - or rather the new old house - work is slow, but it is happening. The upstairs bedrooms are painted, mostly, the entryway is prepped for paint, mostly, the boxes are unpacked, mostly... hm. Do you see a trend? Of course, if I would get off the durn computer, somethinge else might get done. Nah. The kiddos are at grandmas until I go get them on Wednesday. Hubby is snoring. And the dog is sitting next to me and he keeps farting. I guess things are really just like normal. This is just the way life is. Thank goodness. February 06 A PauseWell, I finally had one dream come true (not that great things don't regularly happen, because they do). I have wanted to see my name in print, and today it is. My article, one I wrote and took photos for and everything, is on the front page of our local paper. Yeah buddy. Woot woot! I never got any feedback, so I don't really know if the story is any good, but my story it is. And it did get published. So there.
Along those lines, I am back working at the paper. Last Tuesday, the other graphic designer came to my door, told me the beyatch had quit, and asked if I would please come back to work. Well, duh, of course I did. The pay sucks, the work environment sucks, the computer equipment sucks and the hours suck. But for all of that, I get to say I work at the newspaper. Somehow it all balances out for me. Of course if one of these jobs I have been interviewing for offers me something with decent money and/or benefits, I will have to really think about it.
I think that is all for today. All is well. Kids are healthy, rent got paid, and life is blessed for one more day. Sleep well my blog buds. January 24 Sneaking OutThis is me sneaking into the office... tip-toeing through the mounds of paperwork waiting to be sorted, the scrapbooks waiting to be filled, the textbooks waiting to be read, the taxes waiting to be filed... and the list goes on. I finally just put the baby in her playpen and let her cry. She put her head down and passed out she was so tired. But here I am, visiting with you all, and glad to be here for a few stolen moments anyway.
I actually came here to whine a little bit, but my tragedies hardly seem worth mentioning when I found out what real heartaches are happening on the blog block. I find it amazing how much I consider all of you my friends, and how much it hurts to see any of you in pain. Strange that we should feel such empathy for people we have never even met face to face.
So instead of whining, I will try to just update a little.
The baby is great. Her birthday was a chocolate cake mess, and it was the most beatiful mess I have seen in the 11 years since my oldest turned 1. She is on the edge of walking and becoming a real toddler. She is pointing and playing, and eating books, and learning to feed herself. She is quite the charmer.
The oldest, on the other hand, is digressing. Where she was once able to cut her dinner up using a knife and fork, she now grabs it with her fingers and shoves it in her mouth. She and her sister have gassy explosions with astonishing regularity and volume. But despite all the hallmarks of impending teenager-itis, she is beautiful and she is brilliant. I am still not sure how a couple of screw-up parents got as lucky as we did with her. She never stops questioning, never stops learning, and can probably recite the entire contents of the 2007 Guiness Book of World Records.
Hubby and I are doing fine too. We made it to another anniversary, although neither of us remembered it until my dad told us congratulations and we both had to ask why. We celebrated by making disappear two slices of a frozen cheesecake and falling asleep in our recliners trying to watch Desperate Housewives. We are really livin' it up.
The big news for the day is that we are moving again. Not far this time, just to the other side of the lake. If we could drive straight there, it would only really be about 5 or maybe 10 minutes away. About 50 years ago they flooded the road with a lake, though, so we have to go around and it takes about 25 minutes to get there. Hubby and I are going to work on fixing it up a little while we are there so that hopefully it will command a little more money when my parents and aunt and uncle sell it later on. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing, but I no longer get the creeps about it. I am reminded there how much I miss my grandmother, but it seems like the more things are changed in the house the easier it is to move on and quit waiting for her to be there. And really, I have nothing but happy memories there, so it shouldn't be too hard. Besides, I have to find something to keep my unemployed butt busy. January 10 BirthdaysThe great thing about birthdays, other than the cake and ice cream, is that they give you a point of reference. Today, my baby turns one year old. That means that one year ago, I was in a hospital room with my husband and my mom and my daughter and my in-laws and probably half of the hospital staff, and I was terrified. My family was in turmoil. Hubby had just been fired, and hired, and we had decided to move to the hill country. I thought we were broke (had no idea how much tighter things would get), I still had a steady job, still had our house in Houston. So today I decided to do a little inventory-taking, and this is where we stand:
So why am I troubling you with all of this? It isn't earth-shattering or exciting, or funny even. But it is all true. Those things that were weighing so heavily on my mind a year ago are all but forgotten. Well, except the baby, who was really weighing more on my bladder than my mind. My dad told me once to try to take things easier for that very reason. Today's tragedies will be forgotten with tomorrow's fresh arrivals. So I guess that is my point. Just let it go. Tomorrow is a fresh day, the first day of a brand new something. January 02 Little MiraclesToday is January 2, 2008. The sun rose to a crisp and cold landscape and my breath waited in front of me in tiny crystals holding the light. The sun set again in fiery orange and red, leaving a wounded purple sky behind. And here I sit now, with the faint blue light of my monitor reflected in my shiny skin, with the memory of both safely tucked into the folds of my mind, still waiting for something spectacular to happen.
But some things spectacular already happened. My baby gave me a big slobbery kiss on the end of my nose today. My older daughter told me how much she loves me, and really appreciates me making rules for her. My husband came home from work before sunset in a good mood. The dogs didn't pee in the plants stacked around the dining room to get away from the cold. Minor miracales, all, but I am so grateful. And for seeing good friends after a long time apart. For seeing my dad recovering from a long bout with pneumonia. For watching my mom as she worked on her quilt, something she really loves. For knowing my sister was with good friends for New Year's Eve, even though she wasn't out partying like she thought she wanted to be. For seeing my other sister gaining confidence and revealing a stunning personality as she looses weight.
And for me... I feel like I am on the verge of something spectacular. I wish I knew what, and I must be patient. Something earth-shattering, something life-changing is going to happen. Somehow, I will be guided in the right direction, and things may not be smooth, but they will be moving.
And tonight, I will put my feet by the fire, grateful that I have that warmth in my house and my life, and wait, and pay attention to the little miracles happening all around me. December 18 a deep breathOk, so if I had been drinking, nobody would have let me out of the house. Instead I took my nightly Ambien, still couldn't go to sleep, and nobody is around to stop me from making a turd of myself online :) I would have fallen asleep, I am sure, but I was perusing my bookshelf, looking for something ridiculously mindless for gazing at as I passed out, and came across one of my grandmother's devotional books. Terry Pratchett it wasn't, but it sure made me think. I actually held together ok until I got to the parts she underlined. Then I paused, adn looked back over the page and it said, essentially, you could go through your life throwing your occasional prayers up to God and see how it works out, or you can reall take pause, find God in your life and accept Christ as your salvation, and make choice. Only that way can you find real guidance. So maybe that is what I am doing wrong. I am tossing prayers around like they make a difference, but not actually making a moment to renew my faith, my creed. And that is so much what I need. I did go to church with my mom last week. It was pleasant, but so not what I needed. As silly as it sounds, I think I might try the Cowboys for Jesus church. It seemed kind of like they might be my type. Just real, and all fired up, and I really need that right now. Because the money isn't getting any better, and the family is always stressed, and the jobs aren't coming my way, and I am really feeling abandoned. I have got to find an anchor somewhere.
I guess I better go to sleep now. The monitor is wiggling around in front of me. Sleep well. December 05 a sub-dateI desperately need to go to church, but time never seems to allow it. I can feel it missing though, this great gnawing hole that screams to be filled. I know it isn't the answer to all my problems, but it sure would feel nice. Since I will be at my parents' house this weekend, maybe I can talk them into going with me.
It may not be a permanent job, and it may not be a high-power, high-paying job, but at least it is something. I was finally approved as a substitute teacher for the school district. It works out nicely, because I can choose which days to work, and don't need any excuses when the baby is sick or I am just too tired. On the other hand, my day care is closing at the end of the month (I think I already told you that), so my progress is sort of self-limited. I have a lead on some other options, but only time will tell how that will work out. I can say that I have learned more about child pshychology in the three days I worked than a semester full of textbooks could have taught. Kids are a whole different species, and teens are just alien. At least I know now that when I look at my tween and think to myself that no other child could have possibly ever done anything as weird as what mine just did, I am wrong. The schools are full of weird kids doing weird things, and their parents would be mortified if they had any clue. So I am not alone in that, and you guys are not alone. What a relief.
I guess I don't really know what else to say today. I am really tired and sort of bummed, so I guess I will just go to bed. I hope you are all well!
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